


Find someone to carry you

by Commandership



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Cancer, Chemotherapy, Depression, Emotional Infidelity, M/M, Major Illness, Surgery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2015-03-10
Packaged: 2018-01-23 19:31:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1576973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Commandership/pseuds/Commandership
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you can't run, you crawl. If you can't crawl, you find someone to carry you. Lucky for Levi, he has Erwin. But Erwin's not too sure about that anymore. WARNINGS - Discussion of: Cancer, the symptoms of a malignant brain tumour, adulterous thoughts, stupid people I work with, and socially unacceptable feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The end of the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> My first fanfic here! Posted under Riverdancer17 on FF.net. Yeah, I'm uh... sorry for the trauma *awkward smile*

Find someone to carry you.  
Erwin is at work when he hears.  
The Headteacher's PA at his school is a blonde haired, blue eyed young man, moderately tall and slender, and Erwin finds his eyes straying to him often enough to make him guilty whenever his Husband asks him how his day has been. On this particular day, the PA enters the paper-filled, old mug-haunted office and stands in front of Erwin's desk, a large IKEA affair, taking up one wall of the, admittedly large, room.  
'Mr Smith?' Comes the nervous voice.  
'Mr Arlert.' Erwin replies, not glancing up from the pile of reports he is commenting on and signing.  
'I received a phone call a few minutes ago from your home phone number.'  
There is silence for a few moments and the hand that is holding Erwin's pen is now gripping so tightly that his knuckles are white with red around the edges, but his face and voice are perfectly calm when he looks up at Mr Arlert.  
'Did you speak to Mr Smith or the carer?'  
'The Carer, Mr Smith. She wants you to come home, she didn't say why.'  
'I see.' Mr Arlert watches as Erwin carefully caps his pen and lays it aside, gathering up his papers and sliding them carefully into his briefcase. 'I will be taking the rest of the day, please inform the governors and let Mr Zacharias know that he is acting in my stead.' He's not moving particularly quickly, and Mr Arlert has seen him pause, going through piles of papers to find what he is looking for, but everything is packed up and ready to go before he has finished his sentence. Carefully, he makes his way to the door and drops the pile of school reports into Mr Arlert's waiting arms on the way past.  
'I hope everything is alright, Mr Smith.' Mr Arlert offers desperately, this is the third time in as many weeks that the Headteacher has been called home by his husband's carer.  
Erwin turns and regards Mr Arlert carefully, his expression neutral. 'I thank you for your concern.' Before striding through the school's front door and down the path towards the staff car park. Mr Arlert watches his steps speed up for a good minute before he breaks into a sprint.  
...  
Erwin is perfectly aware of the law.  
He is also aware of speeding driver fatality statistics, he has given several assemblies on it, being the headmaster of a combined secondary school and sixth form centre.  
However that doesn't stop him flooring the accelerator and doing a speed that he doesn't really want to think about in a thirty zone. He has no excuse, he's not panicking about getting home, it's just a stress release but it's another thing to make him feel guilty, along with his secret attraction to his shy, young PA and his bone deep weariness and frustration with the situation he finds himself in.  
Just to increase the feeling of freedom, he doesn't slow down when he reaches the car park underneath his block of flats, choosing to stamp on the brake at the last moment and nearly fling himself though the windscreen.  
Composing himself after parking at seventy, he walks up the stairs and stops outside his door, taking a breath and allowing his shoulders to slump for a second as he thinks about everything that he might find when he opens it. After his split second of weakness, he straightens his back and opens the door.  
Mrs Maguire is on the other side, giving him the sort of look one reserves for puppy drowners.  
'You took your time.'  
'I'm afraid I had a few things to sort out at work before I could leave Mrs Maguire.' He says smoothly, because no matter how much this woman tries to out bitch him, she will not succeed while he still draws breath. 'Is there something you wanted me for?' He dreads the answer.  
Her expression changes, becoming almost kind as she catches the flicker of defeated fear in his eyes, before his walls go back up and the blue eyes become cold once more.  
'Mr Smith had a seizure about an hour ago, lost consciousness and vomited several times.'  
'Did you call an ambulance?'  
'I didn't need to, the seizure only lasted four minutes and he only had one.'  
Erwin bites back his frustration and then swallows the guilt that follows in quick succession.  
'Lovely case notes, Mrs Maguire, but it's nothing new and nothing you can't handle.' He says, dropping his briefcase and shrugging off his suit jacket.  
The sympathetic demeanour drops and she scowls at him 'If you'd let me finish, I'd explain!'  
Erwin rolls his eyes inwardly and opens the fridge, reaching around his husband's bottles of medication for a bottle of water. 'I do apologise, Mrs Maguire, do go on.'  
'As soon as Mr Smith woke up, he started asking for you. He wouldn't settle or take his medication until he saw you, god help me, I made the mistake of letting him see the state of your bathroom and now he won't stop cleaning, except to ask if you're home yet.'  
Erwin raised a thick eyebrow 'He hasn't taken any medication?'  
Mrs Maguire shakes her head as he takes off down the corridor. 'The bathroom!' She shouts after him.  
Erwin bursts through the bathroom door and curses himself silently when the man on his hands and knees scrubbing at the floor looks at him in confusion. Erwin drops to his knees beside him.  
'Hello, Levi.' No reply 'What are you doing?'  
'What does it look like I'm doing arsewipe?' Erwin visibly flinches, Levi's sassy retorts had all but disappeared over the past few months, but had apparently come back with a vengeance. But Levi seems to be only feigning annoyance, as he fists a hand in Erwin's shirt and plants a shy kiss on his cheek.  
Levi rolls his eyes at Erwin's expression of surprise. 'Some little shit threw up on my bathroom floor, clearly, I am trying to clean it up.' He says slowly, as one might to a child, waving the container of carpet cleaner and the scrubbing brush.  
'Really? How inconsiderate.' Erwin says lightly, because concentrating on his husband aggressively cleaning up his own vomit makes his heart hurt.  
'Instead of making stupid observations, you could help me clean this up.' Levi says sourly.  
Despite the insults, it seems to be a good day for Levi. Sometimes this happens, Levi has a seizure and it clears his head for a few hours, relieving the crippling ache behind his eyes and allowing him to walk a few yards without falling over. Full of hope, and forgetting his frustration, doubt and lust, Erwin slides his fingers under Levi's chin and makes him look in his eyes. Levi steel grey eyes harden and go cold, like they always have when he is angry.  
'Levi, what's my name?'  
Levi opens his mouth confidently and Erwin waits for the two syllables to fall. A few seconds pass and the confident looks on both men's faces disappear. Levi furrows his brow, a look of confusion coming across his face.  
'Levi-' Erwin starts, worry in his tone.  
'I don't remember.' Levi says, quietly, looking him directly in the eye. 'I can't remember your name.'  
Both men kneel on the bathroom floor, silently staring at one another, until Levi slowly begins to crawl into Erwin's lap, burying his face in Erwin's shoulder. Erwin carefully pulls him into his arms and begins to rub his back gently. Levi's not crying, they're both beyond crying.  
'It's alright.' Erwin says quietly, kneading the back of Levi's neck. 'I've got you. When you can't walk, I'll carry you.'  
...  
It is later, much later. Levi is curled up in the bedroom/living room, watching Erwin, sat at his desk working. He hasn't even taken off his waistcoat, Levi notices. Suddenly, he sees the lines on Erwin's face, the signs of worry that weren't there before and the soul wrenching boredom sitting there.  
'Arsewipe.' He says, as affectionately as he can.  
Erwin doesn't even look up, but he does lower his reading glasses to the end of his nose. 'I assume you are referring to me.'  
Levi smirks, despite the hammering pain in his head 'Always so prim and proper headmaster, are you going to punish me for my bad language?'  
'I can't exactly give you a detention now, ca-'  
'Are you bored?'  
'Excuse me?'  
'You heard me, old man, I've got a brain tumour not laryngitis.' The last part is spiteful and Levi knows it, as he watches Erwin flinch slightly.  
'I am... weary. I am finding this situation hard to deal with and you, however much I love you, are making it no easier.'  
'So... It's me?' Asks Levi, voicing the question that has been buzzing in his head for weeks. Erwin stands up and crosses to Levi so quickly it makes his head spin. He wraps his arms around Levi and presses his face into Erwin's shoulder.  
'Didn't I just tell you that I love you? When you can't walk, I will carry you.'  
Levi closes his eyes and wraps his arms around Erwin, breathing in his scent.  
'You're squashing me, Old man. Have some respect for a dying man.'  
Erwin hides a smile in Levi's hair and plants a kiss there. 'You're not going to die Levi, you're going to outlive God, trying to have the last word.'  
'You got that right.' He hears coming from his shoulder.  
And for that moment in time, they can both believe that it is true.


	2. The beginning of the End

Levi is going in for treatment today.  
Levi really hates going in for treatment.  
He refuses to admit that he hates going in for treatment, but the way he grips Erwin's hand tight enough to break bone and fiddles with his wedding ring is telling enough. The third time Levi flicks the ring hard enough to knock it clean off Erwin's hand, Erwin looks up from his newspaper.  
'How many times have we done this now Levi?'  
'Seventy five. Has your memory started going, old man?' Levi snaps, turning away from Erwin's gaze.  
Erwin ignores both the slight and the twinge of pain it gives him 'So what is so very different about this particular time?'  
'Nothing, I'm fine!' Levi snarls  
'Really?' Erwin raises an eyebrow, looking at Levi over his glasses.  
'Oh go take a shit, old man, or are you still constipated?'  
Erwin gives up and goes back to his newspaper, leaving his left hand lying on the bed. A few moments later, a cold set of digits worm their way into his palm.  
...  
Erwin doesn't let go of his hand all the time Levi is lying in bed in the Oncology ward.  
He doesn't let go of his hand while the porters sort out the bed with the drips and everything to take Levi down to the radiography suite.  
He walks beside the bed all the way down, holding onto his hand, Levi's grip getting tighter every floor they descended.  
He even holds on when they bring Levi into the preparation room, squeezing as hard as hard as he can, because this is scary for him and if it's scary for him it's probably terrifying for Levi.  
'Would you mind popping your ring into this dish sir?' Asks the smiling nurse, as she checks Levi for anything metal. There is silence and Erwin closes his eyes, waiting for Levi's inevitable freak out.  
'What the fuck did you just say?'  
The smile drops from the nurse's face 'I only meant-'  
'This is my wedding ring, bitch, I will not take it off unless – '  
Erwin, sensing that the nurse is about to cry, steps between her and his husband.  
'It's just a ring of metal, Levi. Why don't you want to take it off?'  
'It is not just a ring of metal! It... It...'  
Erwin kneels beside the bed, slightly exasperated. 'It what?'  
Levi leans forward and buries his face in Erwin's chest 'It means you're with me, shithead.'  
Erwin freezes for a second, shocked at Levi's admittance. He gently pushes Levi back onto the bed, placing a kiss on his forehead, before lifting Levi's left hand and pulling the ring off.  
'What're you –'  
'Shhhh.' The whole room is quiet, watching as Erwin slides Levi's ring onto the smallest finger of his own left hand.  
Finally, he leans forward, kissing Levi's lips, brushing the hair off his forehead.  
'Now you're with me.' He says quietly, ignoring the disgusted look on the consultant's face. 'We'll both be here when you get out.' And with that, he turns and strides out of the radiography suite.  
...  
'Mr Smith? Is Mr Erwin Smith in here?'  
Erwin looks up from his paper in the direction of the nurse calling for him.  
'Over here.'  
She makes her way over to him, picking between the worried looking parents and coughing patients lining the walls of the Oncology waiting room.  
'Is anything wrong?' He asks coolly. He tries to be nice to people, he really does, but he is worried and that just makes him colder apparently.  
'A little, it says in your medical file that you are the same blood type as Mr Smith?'  
'Yes, but what's –'  
'I need you to come with me sir, if you don't mind.'  
Erwin follows the nurse, matching her slightly elevated pace, as they move toward a consulting room. She opens the door and gestures for him to sit inside. Once they are both comfortably seated, she starts to fidget with the clipboard in front of her.  
'Ummm... Mr Smith. There's been a small problem with your friend – '  
'Husband.' Erwin corrects coldly  
'... Husband's surgical procedure.' She says, equally coldly.  
'What problem? He wasn't supposed to be undergoing any surgical procedure today!'  
'No, he wasn't Mr Smith.'  
'So can you please explain why he has undergone surgery? I thought this was supposed to be a normal radiography appointment!'  
'Please try to calm down –' She starts, Erwin opens his mouth. 'Because the more you talk, the less time I have to explain!'  
Erwin compresses his lips into a thin line and sinks slowly into the chair.  
'After your husband's appointment, they noticed that they were getting some strange readings, he was taken for an ultrasound and an additional tumour was found at the side of his jaw...'  
Erwin opens his mouth again and the nurse holds up her hand to stop him.  
'Please sir, I know this must be upsetting for you, but it's not what I came to tell you.' Erwin closes his mouth once more, cracking his knuckles under the table to try and get his control back.  
'They operated immediately to try and remove the secondary tumour, the operation was successful but Mr Smith has lost a great deal of blood and in his weakened condition, we definitely need to replace it as soon as possible.'  
'I give my permission for a blood transfusion.' Erwin tells her, face pale and features tight.  
'But I...'  
'Don't waste my time nurse, my husband needs blood transfusion and I have the necessary blood type, am I correct?'  
'Well, yes but – '  
'Then don't you think we should be getting on with it?'  
...  
Erwin nearly collapses when he sees Levi, face pale and bandaged from his nose to his collarbone but breathing, thank god, he is breathing.  
Erwin's gaze never leaves his husband's face, all the time that the nurse is tying a tourniquet around his bicep and inserting the needle into his and Levi's arms. In all honesty, there is nothing else to do but sit there looking at Levi and realising that he has absolutely no idea what he'd do if Levi just wasn't there anymore. He is at the point of promising that he'll never look at his secretary again if Levi could just stay with him a little bit longer, when a shrill beeping forces him from these thoughts. Disoriented, he gazes around for a moment wondering what was causing it, before his eyes settle on probably the most important thing in his life right now. Levi's heart meter. Currently flashing red and peaking erratically.  
Erwin waits a total of 0.3 seconds before screaming for a nurse.  
She arrives, takes one look and starts screaming for a crash team. As medical personnel come streaming into the room and Erwin is forced to let go of Levi's hand and wait in the corridor, Erwin starts to wonder why his head is so light. His arm is feeling strange too, almost numb.  
He makes to glance down at it and ends up staring at the, now pale blue right arm. His fingers are nearly navy at the ends and he can't move anything below his shoulder. Blearily he feels around his bicep. The tourniquet. She told him to remove it and he hasn't. It is his last thought before he blacks out.  
...  
He wakes up a few hours later, bleary and cold in a hospital bed.  
His right side is tightly bandaged and feels strange but that's not what he's concentrating on. It's the scowling, teary man lying in the bed next to him and clinging to his hand for dear life. Erwin smiles groggily and reaches towards him with his left hand.  
'Levi...'  
His hand is slapped away and the scowl intensifies. A few tears leaking down his cheeks.  
'You stupid Bastard! You giant idiot! You...' The sentences ends with a gasp and Levi lies back against his pillows, exhausted and sobbing.  
'What are you talking about?' Erwin asks, unnerved by Levi's sudden tears. Levi shakes his head, pointing to Erwin's right side.  
With some difficulty, Erwin runs his left hand down his r-... where his right arm should be. It's gone, replaced with bandages wrapped around his ribs and a boneless piece of flesh hanging down about twenty centimetres from his shoulder. He turns to Levi in shock.  
'What am I going to do?' He whispers.  
Levi wriggles closer across the sheet. 'You always said that, when I couldn't walk, you'd carry me.'  
Erwin nods, too tired and morphine-blurred to comment on the stupid sentimental phrase.  
'Well, you can't carry me anymore, so I'll have to carry you.'  
Erwin smiles and passes a hand through Levi's hair.  
'Get off, old man, I just had my hair washed by a sexy nurse!'


	3. The End of the End

When Erwin Smith wakes up he still tries to wipe his eyes with his right hand.  
He also rolls over expecting his husband to be there.  
The fact that neither of these things happen is very unfair. Every morning he rolls over and doesn't feel Levi's familiar warmth, he spends several minutes with his eyes squeezed shut, praying that Levi is just in the bathroom. That it will be pre-cancer Levi, with a head full of dark hair and a bad attitude, getting ready for work and grumbling because Erwin forgot to turn the heating on last night.  
Instead he opens his eyes to an empty bed and a cold flat because he did forget to turn the heating on. He allows himself to stare at Levi's empty pillow for a few seconds before getting up and getting dressed, pointedly ignoring the right side of the wardrobe and the glass with Levi's toothbrush and razor in. He can't even look at anything that his husband owned, or he'll break down and he can't break down because people need him, especially today of all days.  
The funeral is at two o'clock and Mike, the deputy head, told him to take the day if he needed to, but he doesn't need to, he is perfectly composed.  
The mantra falters a bit when, in taking his black suit jacket out of the wardrobe, he pulls Levi's 'sick sweater' out as well. Aside from backing against the wardrobe door and staring at the innocent jumper like it's a scorpion, he has no idea what to do, because while a large part of him wants to do exactly that, an even larger part of him wants to grab the jumper and bury his face in it, breathe in the fading scent of his beloved and allow himself to feel sad.  
But he doesn't.  
He shakes himself, clumsily pins up the right sleeve of his suit jacket, ties his shoes and sprints out of the door without doing a thousand and one things he considered essential before Levi.  
...  
School has become a grey, meaningless blur.  
He rarely even leaves his office any more, and his co-workers pick up his slack, Mike takes assembly more often than not and Ms Hange, the school's NUT representative, drags him out of his chair and into important meetings.  
Most of the time, Erwin sits at his desk, signing and reading and filing and running the business side of the school as best he can with his back firmly to the picture of his ex-husband on the desk top. Nobody bothers him, nobody talks to him, nobody knows what to say.  
...  
When he arrives today, Mike and Mr Arlert are standing in the entrance hall.  
'Erwin, go home.' Mike says, in his deputy head no nonsense tone.  
'And good morning to you too, Mr Zacharias.' Erwin replies politely, smiling the best he can. He knows he's a mess. He hasn't been able to shave for a week, remembering Levi in his last week running a gentle hand over his stubble and telling him to shave it off if he ever wanted to be kissed again. As he's never going to be kissed again, he thinks it's fitting not to shave. Nevertheless, he begins to make his way to his office, only to find Mike following close behind.  
'Erwin, this is ridiculous! Why do you insist on keep coming in when you'd clearly be better off at home?'  
Erwin is moving unsteadily around the room, gathering supplies to make coffee and occasionally forgetting he only has one arm, as he reaches to get something with his right hand. 'Would you like a drink, Mike?' He asks vaguely over his shoulder.  
'Are you going home, Erwin?' Mike asks stubbornly  
Erwin sighs delicately 'No, I'm not going home.'  
'And why not?'  
'I really don't feel I need to Mike, now about Tiffany Walker-'  
Mike suddenly bangs a fist down onto Erwin's desk. 'Erwin! For God's sake! Stop pretending to cope when we all know you can't!'  
Mike is unsurprised to see that Erwin has not turned a hair at this sudden outburst. 'I think I am coping perfectly well, thank you, deputy headmaster.' He says quietly, but the ice in the sentence nearly freezes Mike solid.  
'Really? Because I've never once seen you try to use your right arm in the six months it's been gone, but suddenly today, the day of Levi's funeral-'  
Mike stops abruptly because Erwin has sagged against the desk, his head in his hand.  
'God, Erwin are you-'  
'Please don't say his name.' He hears the whispered request. Mike stays silent, a hand on Erwin's shoulder to steady him. They stay like that for a few seconds until Erwin straightens up and pushed his hair out of his face.  
'I'm not going home Mike. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?  
...  
It's quarter to two. The shakes in Erwin's hand have become progressively worse over the past three hours, getting to the stage that he can barely hold a pen still and he can't drink anything without throwing it down his front.  
Hange and Mike barge in at ten to, both in black, and Hange throws his jacket at him.  
'Time to go, sir.'  
Erwin's arm hangs loose by his side, he didn't even try to catch the jacket. When he looks up, Hange draws in a breath sharply at his grey pallor and the blood on his bitten lip.  
'I can't.' He whispers.  
She looks at Mike, throws him the car keys and manhandles Erwin from his chair.  
'You have to.' She says firmly, pushing him through the office door.  
...  
Mike has to physically restrain Hange from her efforts to make Erwin look presentable when they get to the chapel.  
He then has to return to the car to drag a wide eyed and shaking Erwin from the backseat and follows a step behind him to make sure that the man doesn't bolt. He needn't have bothered, Erwin is so shaky he has to hold onto his elbow to even get him to walk in a straight line.  
...  
Erwin sits in silence all the way through the funeral, staring at his feet.  
He sits in silence while his husband's ex-boyfriend tells the congregation about Levi's last moments, as if it was he and not Erwin that shared them.  
He sits in silence while his mother- and sister-in-law scream at him that it's his fault Levi is dead, that he should have gotten him to a hospital sooner.  
The first time Erwin raises his eyes is when his sister-in-law grabs the stump of his arm and tells him that she hopes he burns in hell for what he did to her brother.  
Mike hurries over, ready to rescue his friend, but all he hears is Erwin politely agreeing before excusing himself from the chapel and from the funeral altogether. Mike and Hange find him in the graveyard, staring at his shoes again.  
They don't stay for the burial.  
...  
Mike drops Erwin back at school, acquiescing to his request without a fight this time, because they've all had a trying day and the last thing he wants to do is embroil Erwin in another argument no one needs to have.  
It's five o'clock in the evening, no-one's at school and all the lights will be off, but Erwin has keys, and, as Mike suspects, Erwin can't face going home that night. Erwin distantly thinks that Mike is probably going to shout at him when he finds him asleep at his desk in last night's clothes, but he can't go home. He can't bury Levi and then return to a house full of his things.  
Mechanically, he unlocks the main door, turns off the alarm and walks to his office. Then he realises that the alarm didn't go off, so someone must still be in school. Well, he doesn't give a shit, as long as they don't bother him.  
Speaking of which...  
'Oh! Good evening Mr Smith, I didn't expect you to come back.'  
Damn.  
Erwin turns.  
'Good evening Mr Arlert.'  
Arlert fidgets nervously 'A-are you alright sir?'  
'I just buried my husband, Mr Arlert.'  
The boy turns bright red and Erwin's mind reels back to a time when that would have turned him on, but the memory makes him want to vomit.  
'Would you like a cup of tea, sir?' Arlert asks. Erwin considers him for a moment.  
'Yes, thank you, Mr Arlert.'  
...  
Ten minutes later find them sitting side by side in the staff kitchen, drinking PG tips in silence.  
'Feeling any better sir?' Arlert asks, nervously jovial.  
'Not noticeably, but thank you for asking.' Erwin replies. He hasn't touched his tea and he absently wonders when he last ate something.  
'Would you – would you like to talk about it sir?' Arlert asks.  
'Talk about what? That I buried my thirty two year old husband at thirty six? That I spent his funeral being reminded by his family that he married the wrong man? That it's my fault he married a man at all?'  
Erwin slams his mug into the counter top, suddenly. 'Sorry, I'm sorry...'  
'Armin.'  
Erwin looks up confused 'What?'  
'It's my name.'  
'Oh. Armin.' Erwin wonders why the boy thinks he might want to know that.  
'What do you mean Mr Smith married the wrong man?'  
Erwin gives a bitter grimace 'Mr Smith's family weren't ecstatic about him marrying a man at all. But if he had to, it shouldn't have been me. Levi came from a very close knit community, he was supposed to go home and marry a local, but he came to university here with me. He moved in, we got married and he contracted cancer.' He sighs, trying to hold back the tears prickling his eyes. 'Life's a bitch, Arlert, anyone who says differently is selling something.'  
'I'm sorry. He was very young.'  
'Too young.'  
Something in the back of Erwin's head registers the noise of Arlert getting closer. However, the rest of his head, drowning in self pity, ignored it.  
'I can't imagine how painful that must be, sir.' He hears Arlert say, before feeling a hand on his thigh. 'But I might be able to help.'  
Erwin blinks in surprise at the hand and then at the scared and slightly hopeful face of the young man who put it there.  
Without a word, he stands, knocks the hand away and leaves the school.  
…  
Erwin almost sprints through the front door and slides to a halt in front of the cupboard where they keep the alcohol.  
He ignores the twinge of sadness and the memory pushing at his skull as his hand closes around the bottle of Teacher's that Levi gave him on his last birthday, in favour of sloshing an over-generous measure into the glass he has placed on the counter. Turning away, tumbler in hand, he sees the one picture of Levi he can't bare to take down. It sits in pride of place, a simple headshot of Levi scowling at the camera with a wall in the background. Erwin took it the day he proposed.  
Slowly, he raises the tumbler in the direction of the picture. 'Your good health.' He says and downs the glass.  
…  
Eight whiskies later and Erwin realises that Levi would not have wanted it to come to this.  
He would never have wanted Erwin to end up sloshed on the living room carpet, but he can't help himself, because everything hurts and it's been hurting for a week, since he rolled over in bed and put his arm around something cool instead of the usual warmth. He slams his hand into his forehead to try and rid himself of the memory. However much he drinks, the memories don't go away, they just increase in poignancy.  
His head lolls back against the table he's leaning against, a memory of Levi on their wedding day, growling in his ear that he has dust on his collar, then wriggling away from him on their wedding night because he claimed that Erwin smelt of drink. He grimaces and picks up the tumbler again because he really can't dwell on what his ex-husband would say if he found him in this state.  
For the moment, the memories are pleasant, Levi marching into a lecture on the day Erwin had met him and telling him to piss off because he was in his seat, blurting out a proposal on the day he graduated because he couldn't bare to never see Levi again, Levi arriving at the small flat he is now sitting in with one box of clothes, another of books and tears drying on his face because his parents had thrown him out. He smiles drunkenly, within an hour Levi had completely reorganised the kitchen and was shouting at him for the state of his bedroom.  
Unfortunately, just as the good times did, the pleasant memories must end. Levi had been twenty six when Erwin came home to him lying wide eyed on the floor, whispering that he didn't know what had just happened. The day, nearly four years later, when Erwin, tired of the constant headaches and terrifying seizures, had finally just picked him up off the floor after a seizure, dropped him in the back of the car and driven to A and E.  
The diagnosis had come a week later.  
'No…' He mumbles, eyes still shut as the memory of Levi after his first chemotherapy appointment, pale and sick, lying in the back of Erwin's car. Then slapping Erwin's arms away when he tried to pick him up, only to fall onto the concrete the second he stepped out of the car. Three years of getting more and more tired, watching Levi waste away. Three years of retaining the composure.  
Erwin sobs as the night that he'd given up on Levi flashes across his inner vision. Their seventh anniversary. The night he'd walked into the bathroom to see what was taking Levi so long to get ready to go out. His husband had been standing in front of the mirror, blood dripping slowly from one hand. Erwin had been so shocked he'd just stood in the doorway.  
'Baby?'  
Levi had turned to look at him blankly and offered him the bleeding hand. Gently, Erwin had peeled the fingers back to find a razor blade clutched tight in Levi's hand, so tight it had sliced his palm. In a daze, Erwin had pulled him through to the kitchen and bandaged him up, all the while stammering questions about why Levi had sliced his own hand open with a razor blade and then seemed perfectly unconcerned about it. Levi hadn't answered any of them, instead watching Erwin bandage his hand and then saying  
'Thanks. Who are you again?'  
He'd nearly walked out then and there. For good. He'd nearly packed a bag, jumped in the car and just driven until he needed to fill the petrol tank, because no matter how strong people think he is, Erwin has always been a coward when it comes to Levi.  
He's always hidden behind something to stop people noticing how much he's hurting, his not-quite-affair, his ruthless efficiency and his apparent detached boredom with his marriage. He laughs through another mouthful of whisky. He probably deserves this.  
Levi died thinking that Erwin had stopped loving him.  
Erwin will carry on living, knowing that he never will.  
...  
Erwin wakes the following morning to a surprisingly clear head and an, equally surprisingly, tidy living/bedroom. He smiles at the thought that Levi had even imprinted his house rules on to drunk-Erwin. Levi...  
Last night's memories hit him and he curls into a ball of self loathing and bad breath. Finally he surfaces and comes face to face with Levi's pillow.  
For nearly a week now, he's been preserving the pillowcase, catching the faint scent of his beloved every time he rolls over and willing it never to disappear. Gently, he runs a hand over it. Before yanking the pillowcase off and throwing it into the laundry.  
He calls in sick and spends a good hour walking around the flat and collecting up photograph albums. He knows all the photos will be him and Levi, his parents were never at home to take pictures and Levi burned all his family photos the day his mother had turned up with a policeman and some divorce papers claiming that Erwin had forced Levi to marry him.  
For one wild moment, he considers doing the same, but soon he is back to his original plan. By the time he is finished, he has twelve photograph albums stacked up by his chair. He sits, takes a deep breath and opens the first one.  
It takes him all day to look through all the photos. There are some he laughs at, a great deal he cries at and some that he just plain can't get over. Pictures from before they were married, before they started going out even, pictures of their wedding day, pictures of other people's wedding days, pictures of parties, holidays, proposals and one particular album that Erwin had received for his twenty-fifth birthday that he keeps very carefully hidden at the back of his sock drawer.  
Evening finds Erwin covered in dust, curled up on the sofa with Levi's sick jumper in his arms. He has wounds that will never heal, wounds that will leave scars. He's not over Levi, he never will be. But it hurts less.


	4. For you, after I am gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umm... I thought I was done... Turns out no...

Sometimes I wonder why you love me.  
My hands are always cold  
And sometimes I’m so tired I can’t get up to make a cup of tea  
I can spend all day on the sofa in my pyjamas and still feel too sick to ask you how your day was  
Sometimes I wonder why you love me  
How can you? When I’m not nearly the person I used to be  
My fingers are too sore to write anymore  
And I don’t always remember who you are in the morning.  
Do you remember when it was only dates and times I would forget?  
Sometimes I wonder why you love me  
When I have this crippling ache in my head and I get sick on the bathroom floor  
When you have to drag me to the hospital because I don’t like going  
Especially when we talk about what’s inevitable and whether you can afford the mortgage and the funeral bills and other horrible things  
Sometimes I wonder if you love me  
But you stroke my hair when I cry with the pain  
And you stay with me when I’m sick  
And you don’t care if I can’t get up off the sofa  
You just make toast with marmite and hold me until I fall asleep  
Sometimes I wonder why you love me  
But I don’t think you ever did  
And I loved you for that  



End file.
